Why is it that nothing can be easy?

I filled out the paperwork for unemployment benefits only to find out I still had to wait two weeks before I could get the application certified, AND I’ll have to continue checking in every two weeks for the duration of my eligibility. The online certification process was screwed up, and going through the voice option on the telephone was about as much fun as a root canal without pain killers.

Okay fine! No, I did not work during the past two weeks and no, I did not subsequently get a salary of any kind. No, I did not turn down any referrals (didn’t get any, but whatev…). Yes, I am looking for employment. No, I don’t think my life could suck any more than it. does. right. now.

This whole job interview thing is weirding me out. I don’t like interviews… the questions are freakin’ ridiculous. I’m always afraid I’ll say something stupid or volunteer too much information and admit some past indiscretion. The inane small talk drives me crazy. I’m constantly fighting with my inner bitch to not scream ’shut up!’ halfway into the conversation.

What are your strengths? I make a mean cup of java, and know how to use a dictionary and thesaurus.
What are your weaknesses? I will absolutely swoon over anyone who will buy me lunch. If you nibble on my neck I’ll even collate and staple for you.
Where do you see yourself in five, ten years? Who the hell knows! I don’t know what my future is five minutes from now.
What interested you in our company? I like the soap in the women’s restroom. It smells purty.

Job searches are too much like dating. You get all prettied up, maybe buy a few new outfits. You may even get your nails done and your hair did, not forgetting the caterpillar eyebrow. Brush your teeth, floss, rinse, repeat. Perhaps go for broke and take care of those furry legs and pits. Neglecting the little things can be a deal breaker.

You’re all nervous and giddy during that first meeting. You want to appear interested but not desperate, be engaging without dominating the conversation (… unless you like that… dominating, I mean. That could be one of my strengths, if you want it to be.) You feel like you have to laugh at all those silly jokes, then are afraid your laugh is verging on hysteria. (I hope I don’t snort…)

Are my palms all sweaty? How can I wipe them off before having to shake hands without being too obvious? Is there a bright red smudge of lipstick on my teeth?  Should I not smile so much?

And, gawd, whatever you do, DO NOT mention you have a blog, pure death knell.

Damn, I don’t want to do this again. By now I should be the office matriarch scaring the bejeezus out of the pimply faced newbies, not the entry-level geek always trying to prove myself.

What I need is an Internet Employment Service that will match me with my perfect job based on a 47-point compatibility questionnaire.