I have friends who send me chain letters. Those insidious e-mails featuring dire warnings about spiders lurking in air plane toilets, or patriotic tales of spontaneous displays of gratitude toward servicemen in airports, or multi-colored roses depicting all levels of friendship, or teary-eyed little furries offering platitudes dear enough to bring a lump to your throat.

In turn, I’m expected to cancel all air travel and have my anti-toxins in the ready, or be prepared to break into a rousing rendition of ‘God Bless America’ whenever I see people in camouflage regardless of their military status.

Or better yet, I’m instructed to pass along these missives to five friends, or seven, or 12 depending on the intensity of my feelings of love toward these friends, or my desire for financial good luck.

My usual response is to either reply with links to Snopes with evidence refuting the claim of murderous arachnids and other threats to my life, or automatically delete them, throwing caution to the wind in regards to my questionable patriotism or devotion.

These friends, these same people who take the time to present such heartfelt love notes (albeit presented as a form letter) seem to not know how to respond to a real e-mail.

If I actually answer these chain letters, respond to what I thought was a legitimate question that was included, that’s typically the end of the exchange.

I resent feeling that I am simply an address on a mass mailing list.